


If This were a Real Emergency, an Alarm would Sound

by glitterandlube



Category: Marvel (Comics)
Genre: The clear follow up to Aristobats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have no idea if this is funny or I just thought it was funny. Don't worry about the timeline. Danny still has billions of dollars, and Tony still has all his money, and his lab, and Steve loves him. It's like 616 only not pissing me off.  Some movie-verse in there too. I completely stole the dick suck red joke. Not remotely IC. </p><p>Hmm. The "Guardian Angel" Acupuncture Device sounds like a sex toy that Daredevil uses on Danny Rand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No offense meant to anyone who is transgender. That is what it says on the website order form, you can go and look yourself at www.realdoll.com [assuming anyone who is transgender cares about these things or associates themselves with that? I have no idea.]
> 
> Note: I've had writer's block for a fucking year so.

Peter, Clint, Danny, and Bucky are hanging around in one of the entertainment rooms watching a guy build a ‘break glass in case of emergency’ container. 

Clint says, “We should build a bunch of those and fill them with emergency booze.”

“Steve wouldn’t let us. He’d say it was taunting Tony.” Bucky says. 

“That would just be an awesome bonus.” Clint replies. 

“You want to go fight with Steve about how we need to have...” Bucky starts, as Peter says, “You know what would be funny?”

They all look at him.

“We should build a lifesize one, put a Real Doll in it, and put it in Tony’s lab.” 

“Let’s do that right this minute.” Clint says immediately. “Do they keep those things in the back of sex shops? I always wondered what kind of horrible filth you must have on stock to keep it in the back room at a sex store. I was really pissed when they kept insisting it was just an employee break room. At least claim some naked women having an orgy with a dude jerking off while he watches to stay in character.” 

“They don't sell them at sex shops. You have to order them from a website. They have a factory. I think it takes six weeks to get one. I guess they’re really popular. Which isn’t surprising, I could see where a lot of guys would want...need one? I’m just amazed people have 6 grand laying around to spend on a sex toy.” Peter says. 

“How do you know that?” Clint asks. “Do you spend all your time on the website pining?” 

“Johnny made me watch a video about them. It was really interesting, and I kind of felt sorry for a few of the guys, they were obviously just really lonely, but some of the other ones, I was really glad they had plastic lady friends and were not harassing actual women.” 

Danny says, “I have six grand.”

Clint says, “Jarvis, pull up the website. Also, you’re sworn to silence according to the Rules of Prankery established last year.”

Jarvis sighs. “Yes, Clint.” 

The website pulls up and they look at a few links. Bucky slowly says, “Those look kind of real and it’s sort of creeping me out.”

“They’re practically LMDs.” Danny agrees. 

“Is that why Nick Fury quit SHIELD? He finally found a better hobby.” Peter says. “If I had millions of dollars of other people’s money I’d spend it all on weapons and sex toys too.”

“You’d spend it all on science.” Clint says.

“Which is more noble!” Peter says. “I’m also not incredibly sure that it’s an insult that I’d spend money on science rather than robot sex slaves.”

Danny says, “I think robot sex slaves count as science.” 

“The lead time is now eight weeks.” Peter points out. “And look there is a discount right now that is extended until April 15 tax season. That’s so thoughtful of them. That is such a good use of your tax return.” 

“Accessories form?” Bucky asks. “Click on that one.”

“No.” Clint says. “We’ll save that for last. You can order online. Danny, give me your credit card.”

“I’m not giving you anything.”

“You’re going to have to type in your information if we want to order this.” Bucky points out. 

“I’m changing the number right after I do this.” Danny says. “I want to be very clear on that. Clint.” 

Clint says, “That’s hurtful. I was barely even a criminal.” 

“You stole my credit card _last year_.” Danny replies.

“That was for needed supplies.”

“Seventy-five bottles of whiskey, 200 condoms, a carton of packing peanuts, and three party hats are not needed supplies, jackass.”

“Why only three party hats?” Peter asks.

“One for me. One for Bobbi. One for my dick.” Clint replies. Peter looks disgusted.

Clint says, "Luke steals your credit care all the time. He told me. Really smugly."

"Luke is allowed to spend my money. Not you."

"He's really your kept woman, isn't he?" Clint says. "It just explains so much."

"I think you should say that to his face. Better yet say it to Jessica's face." Danny says. "Make sure I'm in the room when you do it."

"Don't think I won't."

"If we're going to do this you need to shut the fuck up." Bucky says. "Clint, keep your whore mouth shut for five seconds."

Clint stares at the wall and counts 1-2-3-4-5 and then asks, “You watched a video on these things, Peter, how do they work?” 

“You stick your dick in one of the holes or rub off on it.” Peter says. “How do you have sex?”

“How do I have it? The answer is I have it often, that's how. What I meant was do you just bang into it or whatever?” 

“They said there is weight to them so when you uh, bang it, it will rock in counterpoint.” Peter says. 

"How many times you have sex is not equivalent to how you have sex." Danny adds.

“That’s fascinating. The answer is still constantly.” Clint says. 

Danny says to Peter, "I think he's over compensating for something. I'll give you a multiple choice on what. A) Small penis B) Small penis C) I'd say no girls like him but he's slept with most of our teammates so I'm guessing he hypnotizes them with his tiny penis."

Peter says, "Please stop before he takes it out. I don't want to see Clint's dick today or any other day."

"Just because I'm not Johnny Storm..." Clint says. 

"You want to hear about Johnny's dick?" Peter asks. "Because I can talk about it for awhile."

Clint says, "No? Hmm. No. Pretty sure I don't. Ask me later when I'm drunk. "

Bucky says, "This is still not ordering the damn sex doll. How about you give me the six thousand dollars and I buy some guns." 

"You have enough guns. I think you have a gun in your metal arm." Peter says. "Seriously you can have enough guns."

Danny says, "I don't think they agree with you. Bucky looks sort of horrified that you said that. Back on topic, how does the counter weight work? Is there sex doll math for this? Like sex doll force equations?” 

"I have not put enough thought into the topic to get to that point but I am certain if I I could come up with sex doll math. Like the weight of the doll, and the weight of the person thrusting, and how the momentum would build up. Also, friction. I could make a video, Proving Newton's Third Law with sex dolls!"

Danny laughs as Clint says,“How do you clean them out? I wouldn’t want a doll that smells like moldy cum in my closet.” 

Danny says, “Why did you need to put that in my head?” 

Peter says, “Okay, so you know those sponge things on a handle you use to clean out inside a glass? You put that...” Bucky puts his hand over Peter’s mouth and says, “Stop talking now.” He looks at Clint and Danny and says, “You’re both way too interested in this subject. Pick one out, order it, and we’ll have eight weeks to figure out how to break into Tony’s lab.”

“Sir, yes, Sir!” Clint says. 

They all turn to the website ordering form.

“Hmm. Body no 10. Face no. 14. Let’s go with tanned. Violet eyes? Seriously?” Peter says as Jarvis highlights the selected option. “I guess this is a Mary Sue doll.”

“What’s a Mary Sue?”

“Nothing.” Peter says quickly.

“Eye shadow color.” Clint reads and starts laughing. “Shouldn’t these all be called whore makeup shade #7?”

“I’m going with Rose, it should go well with her eyes.” Peter says. 

Clint starts laughing harder. 

“Heavy eyeliner. Uh huh. Black. Yeah. There is no dick suck red. I’m a little disappointed.” Peter says. 

Danny asks, “Is that a real lipstick color?”

“It should be.” Clint says. “In fact all red lipstick should be called that.”

“I’m going with red lipstick and red nails. Tony will love that. Black hair. Long.” Peter says, then reads, “Standard Pubic Hair: Shaven. For more options please see below.”

Clint says, “Does that say shemale option?”

Jarvis pulls the options up and Danny says, “Huh. Detachable X-large penis. I can’t think of why anyone wouldn’t want that.”

“Real eyebrows?” Bucky says. “Just finish this up before I’m grossed out entirely.” 

“Custom freckles!” Peter says. “That’s awesome.”

“What the hell are Masterpiece eyes?” Danny asks. 

“AUGH SHUT THAT OFF.”

“We could express rush it in four weeks for an extra 500.” Peter says. 

“Nah. We need the time to break into the lab.”

“Was it just me or did that doll on the first page kind of look like Sharon Carter?” Clint says, and Bucky says, “I will fucking stab you in the face.”

“I wasn’t suggesting she posed for them to raise money for SHIELD or anything.”

Bucky pulls out a knife, and Peter says, “No cutting friends! That’s a Steve rule!” 

Danny finishes his order and then pulls up the accessory page, distracting Bucky who says, “Pair of feet. What the fuck? I thought the shit that Fury showed up with during the war was bad but what the serious actual fuck?”

“I want seventy of those booby balls.” Clint says. “We could throw them at criminals and it would be hilarious.”

“Do you think you could make them into bombs, Peter?” Danny asks. “I think Luke would break a lung laughing at that.” 

“I am not supporting blowing up anything that looks like breasts. Breasts are my friends. I don’t want to hurt them.” Peter says, adding, “Hey, look, there’s a doll cleaning kit.”

 

**Two months later**

Tony walks into his lab with Steve and says, “Good Morning, Jarvis.” He walks over to the main section and then says, “What is this new cabinet? Dummy, what is that?”

He walks over to the case and peers in, and then starts laughing like crazy while huffing out, “In case of emergency. Holy shit.” 

Steve comes over and asks, “Tony, are you okay?” He looks at the case and says, “What.” 

Tony gets himself under control long enough to say, “It’s a Real Doll.”

“Is this a robot of some kind?”

“No, it’s a, you know what a blow up doll is?” Tony says, “It’s like that, only better.” He starts giggling again. “It’s a six grand sex doll that you put your dick in.” 

Steve looks at him in horror. 

Tony says, “Your face. Oh my god, _your face_. Jarvis, please save backups of this moment to every drive I have.”

“Get off the floor, Tony.” Steve says. “You should be more upset that they broke into your lab to do this.”

Jarvis says, “I let them in. Tony was quite clear on the rules for pranking.”

Steve says, “Bucky better not have had anything to do with this.” He looks so disappointed as he reaches out to rip the box off the wall.

Tony says, “Hey! Did you miss the part where I said it was six grand! Leave it alone. It’s hilarious.” 

“Do you really want Pepper to see this?”

Tony scoffs. “If Pepper is startled by this thing, I will give you a billion dollars and a unicorn pony.”

“What exactly did you do in your lab before you joined the Avengers?”

Tony grins at Steve.


	2. Pepper Potts

Pepper stares at the case. She says, "Tony. Tony, why?"

**Author's Note:**

> Since I bring it up, there is this one really fantastic porn where a lady [who has a penis] is dressed up like a nurse or something only in black leather and she’s hard core ass fucking this guy who is clearly sort of in pain and loving it. I can’t find the link anymore and I’m sad about it. Has anyone else seen this? I think it was German. Danke.


End file.
